Hmmmmmmm..........

Tonight, as I have quite often lately, I find myself pondering the meaning of life.  What is the point of a person's life?  Is there even a point, or does it just make us feel better to think so?


When I was younger, I don't remember ever thinking about these things.  Back then, I just lived my life day to day and was happy feeling like I had all the time in the world to figure things out and find myself.  I knew that someday my life would have real meaning when I got married and had children, and I would just live my life and be happy.


Then when I was a relatively young adult, I definitely did feel that the meaning of my life was raising my children and I threw myself into that role, wholeheartedly.


When my kids were young, I finished college.  I thought that, besides raising my kids, I would find meaning in my life through my career as a nurse.  That hasn't turned out to be the case.  I still work as a nurse, but I have NEVER felt that it gave my life meaning.  The only thing that came close to giving me that feeling, was raising my kids, and now that they are pretty much grown and on their own, I'm left feeling......like a very small boat floating in a very large ocean, alone and with no direction.


I suppose having a happy marriage and a loving spouse and partner in life could make a person feel fulfilled and happy......but I wouldn't know about that, as my marriage failed and I no longer have a partner in life.....which just adds to the small boat alone in a large ocean feeling.


I know that I'm lucky to have a good job, and I'm glad to have it to fill my days..........but.....still......It doesn't fulfill me.  There's a part of me that feels like there is something out there for me to do that will fulfill me and give my life meaning......but what is it?  And if I found it, could I make a living at it?  I really wish I didn't have to worry about supporting myself and I could just do volunteer work of some sort......spending time with elderly people.....helping at the American Cancer Society....and maybe someday, help raise my grandchildren.  


Unfortunately that's all wishful thinking, because I definitely DO have to earn a living.....thus I go to work every day, to a job that I'm grateful to have.....so I can support myself.....but I am unfulfilled.  Period.


I'm so tired of the B.S. I put up with at work.  Life's too short to spend 8 or more hours a day, 5 days a week putting up with bullshit.  Why can't people just do their jobs and get along?  Petty, catty people make me SICK!!! 


So, now that I'm 50, I am trying to figure out what I can do with the rest of my life, that would be meaningful and fulfilling.  But I am a slave to the machine and I have to go to my job, with a smile on my face, and put up with the bullshit some of my coworkers dish out, so that I can keep my job and support myself.  Perhaps, I would feel a little more fulfilled at work if the bullshit wasn't part of it.  


If I died tomorrow, what would be said about me?  Maybe that I was a good mother and daughter, and probably not much else.  That's depressing.


Well, tomorrow's another day......maybe I'll figure out the meaning of my life tomorrow......or the next day, or never.....but I have to go to sleep now, so I can get up and go to work and put up with bullshit with a smile on my face.  


Sigh.

A quote by the Dalai Lama

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.


Nuff said! :)

I like sleep

Often upon waking in the morning, for a brief moment I have the sensation of complete peacefulness, like when you're under water and you can't ear anything but the sound of your own heartbeat.  Then suddenly I come gasping to the surface of real life... and it's time to get up, get ready for work, and carry on with my life no matter what's going on.  No matter that I don't feel like doing anything....that I would prefer to sink back down under the water to that peaceful place.  To not think, to not feel, to just be.


As I lay in my bed now, feeling sleepy, I'm hoping for a night in which I do not wake up countless times, look at the clock and wish it would turn back so I could just sleep and sleep and stay in that peaceful place.  I'm going to turn off my computer now and hope for the best.  Soon enough I will be gasping to the surface.

Comes The Dawn

This a poem I came across as a teenager, wrote it down, and tucked it away in a box of things to save. I recently came upon it again, and it has more meaning for me now than it did then.  It's almost like I went back in time and wrote it down because I knew I would need to read it later in life!!!  I don't know who the author is, but I thank them.

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And learn to build all your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have

A way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden, and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

Moving on..........

Why do I even give a shit?  I need to just move on.  How long does it take to "get over" someone?  And what does that even mean really?  How do you "get over" someone?  Especially someone you took vows to love and be with for the rest of your life.  What do vows mean anyway?  Nothing.  They are just a statement of what you WANT to be true for the rest of your life.  They have nothing to do with reality.  


It makes me SICK how you can move on so quickly.......like the love we had and the life we shared together meant NOTHING.  Is it really that easy to start dating again?  I know you said you're "not dating anyone" yet you ARE going on a date.....I know it's a double-date, but it's a date nonetheless.  It's just syntax.  And you could have said no.


 I guess you think I will be easily replaced.  Or that you can find someone better.  Good luck with that.  Not that I'm perfect, and I'm the first to admit that.........that's one of the main differences between us.  You would NEVER admit that you're not perfect....that you made mistakes, or that you had ANY blame in the ending of our marriage.


The reality is, YOU are the one that chose to walk out on our marriage.  I may have left the house, moved out......but at the same time, begged you to work on our marriage!  I wanted to try and make it work and best case scenario, get back together.  YOU are the one who said no.....that you didn't WANT to change, that you didn't feel you needed to change anything.....that you were the same as you'd always been.  WHATEVER.........that's really the way to make a relationship work, eh?  Take no responsibility for anything, be unyielding, unwilling to make even the smallest change in order to make the person you supposedly LOVE feel happy and loved.  That's all I ever really wanted you know......to feel truly loved 
and desired, and important to you.


So again I ask.....why should I even give a shit?  What's to miss?  Feeling unwanted and undesired?  Never being touched, cuddled, flirted with?  Feeling like the person I'm in love with only sees me as a companion.....instead of the love of your life.....or at least someone you're in love with? Or even feel desire for?  If you only felt companionship toward me, that would explain how you could so quickly go on a date.....test the waters.....try someone new.  I guess like they say, the grass always seems greener.  But I doubt it will be for you.  I don't think you're capable of loving anyone fully.  You're too busy loving yourself.  And that's really sad......it will be a lonely life for you babe.  Having friends to hang with is one thing.....having a partner to love and care for you and share the rest of your life with is quite another.


I'm done with this.  I can't be your friend anymore.  I know I've been acting friendly with you, and I thought I could handle that, but I can't.  I'm still in love with you, although I don't know why and I don't want to move back in with you.  I'm NOT your buddy.  You chose not to be with me and now you need to live with the consequences of your choice.  I need to move on and I can't do that and be your buddy at the same time.  You chose to have a life without me and that's what you will have now.  Congratulations. Good-bye.  I'm moving on.

Mind Numbing Bliss............

Let's explore the mind-numbing bliss of a couple of glasses of wine.  It doesn't take more than a couple of glasses, at least not for me......thank goodness!  Night's like tonight when I'm feeling so incredibly stressed that I want to crawl out of my skin and disappear, I sip on the golden nectar and I feel warm, relaxed, and  I stop turning the thing over and over in my mind so am able to concentrate on something else, think about something else, get through the night. 


Of course it wouldn't be a good thing to need this every night, and I don't.  But it's so very helpful on the nights that I do.  The sweet-tart taste of pear, oak, apricot, butter, sliding over my tongue and warming me all over.  What more can you ask?  I guess what you could ask for would to not be stressed and feel the need to unwind.......but it is what it is.....so that being said, I think I'll take my glass of Chardonnay downstairs and take a hot bubble bath while I sip the bliss and forget.

My Dog is Better Than My Husband

Why my dog is better than my husband:

He is always soooooo happy to see me, even if I'm only gone for a short time.
He doesn't care what I'm watching on television.
He never makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him.
He doesn't care about watching or talking about sports.
He doesn't think he's an expert on everything.
He is happy with any movie I want to watch, as long as we're together.
He has no problem showing affection.
He listens to me when I'm talking.
He doesn't care how I dress.
He doesn't have it in him to be dishonest or deceptive.
He likes whatever I give him to eat.
He doesn't drink all of the milk.
He doesn't care if I'm working out regularly or not.
He seems to be in tune with my emotions.

I love my doggy!

Shards of glass

The other morning I woke up and had the clearest picture of my life as shards of broken glass, a mirror of my life, lying in pieces on the floor, glinting in the sun.  Some of the pieces catch my eye, enticing me to look.


I pick up a shimmering shard and in it I see myself; younger, laughing and happy, playing with my young children.  I pick up another; me, nearly 10 years ago, sitting alone, staring into nothingness, looking empty and disappointed.  I pick up yet another; I'm even younger still, dancing at a club with my boyfriend from college, laughing, having fun, feeling incredibly sexy as he puts his hands on my hips, swaying with me and letting me know how much he loves the way I move. 


In the next piece I pick up I'm sitting, relaxing and having a glass of wine or two with a man I dated a few years back.  I see us talking, sitting on the couch, near the fireplace.  He gives me that look then gently kisses me on the mouth, he takes my glass of wine, sets it on the table, and pulls me to him.   He tells me he doesn't know what it is, but that there is just something really sexy about me.  I'm smiling.


Another shard and I'm sitting at the computer, looking at the hundreds of pictures of other naked women that my husband has been entertaining  himself with.  Tears roll down my face.  How can I ever compete with that?  I look sad, thinking about how he never touches me.


I pick up a final shard.  Its me looking at a phone bill realizing my husband has been communicating with another woman.  I see my face clearly, as I look up at myself, sadness and a feeling of emptiness radiate from the shard of glass as it slides out of my hand to the floor and breaks into a million little pieces.

If I knew then what I know now!!!

So........I was on-line earlier today checking out some quotes.  There are so many great ones.  The quotes that resonated most with me today are about things it has taken me to age 50 to figure out.  I wish for my daughters that they can learn from my mistakes and realize this stuff NOW!!!!!!!  It will save them a lot of pain in the future!  Here are a few of the quotes:  "Don't settle for a relationship that won't let you be yourself!" - unknown,  "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - unknown.  Here's one more:  "Everything will be okay in the end.  If its not okay, its not the end."


I want to know.....why do so many women lose themselves in a relationship?  I'm guilty of it mostly in my current relationship.  I'm realizing now......a little late.......that our entire six or so years together have mostly been based on what HE likes and doesn't like, wants to do or doesn't want to do, movies he wants to watch or doesn't want to watch, etc.  It's like I woke up one day and said "What happened to ME?  Where did I go?  What about what I want to do?  What I want to watch?  What music I want to listen to, etc.  It's like I was Sleeping Beauty and had been asleep for years!!.  Well, I didn't receive a kiss from a prince to wake me up, but thank goodness I DID wake up!!!  It's almost scary to realize how out of touch with ME I could have gotten.  


Oh, gotta go for a bit........more later!