Hmmmmmmm..........

Tonight, as I have quite often lately, I find myself pondering the meaning of life.  What is the point of a person's life?  Is there even a point, or does it just make us feel better to think so?


When I was younger, I don't remember ever thinking about these things.  Back then, I just lived my life day to day and was happy feeling like I had all the time in the world to figure things out and find myself.  I knew that someday my life would have real meaning when I got married and had children, and I would just live my life and be happy.


Then when I was a relatively young adult, I definitely did feel that the meaning of my life was raising my children and I threw myself into that role, wholeheartedly.


When my kids were young, I finished college.  I thought that, besides raising my kids, I would find meaning in my life through my career as a nurse.  That hasn't turned out to be the case.  I still work as a nurse, but I have NEVER felt that it gave my life meaning.  The only thing that came close to giving me that feeling, was raising my kids, and now that they are pretty much grown and on their own, I'm left feeling......like a very small boat floating in a very large ocean, alone and with no direction.


I suppose having a happy marriage and a loving spouse and partner in life could make a person feel fulfilled and happy......but I wouldn't know about that, as my marriage failed and I no longer have a partner in life.....which just adds to the small boat alone in a large ocean feeling.


I know that I'm lucky to have a good job, and I'm glad to have it to fill my days..........but.....still......It doesn't fulfill me.  There's a part of me that feels like there is something out there for me to do that will fulfill me and give my life meaning......but what is it?  And if I found it, could I make a living at it?  I really wish I didn't have to worry about supporting myself and I could just do volunteer work of some sort......spending time with elderly people.....helping at the American Cancer Society....and maybe someday, help raise my grandchildren.  


Unfortunately that's all wishful thinking, because I definitely DO have to earn a living.....thus I go to work every day, to a job that I'm grateful to have.....so I can support myself.....but I am unfulfilled.  Period.


I'm so tired of the B.S. I put up with at work.  Life's too short to spend 8 or more hours a day, 5 days a week putting up with bullshit.  Why can't people just do their jobs and get along?  Petty, catty people make me SICK!!! 


So, now that I'm 50, I am trying to figure out what I can do with the rest of my life, that would be meaningful and fulfilling.  But I am a slave to the machine and I have to go to my job, with a smile on my face, and put up with the bullshit some of my coworkers dish out, so that I can keep my job and support myself.  Perhaps, I would feel a little more fulfilled at work if the bullshit wasn't part of it.  


If I died tomorrow, what would be said about me?  Maybe that I was a good mother and daughter, and probably not much else.  That's depressing.


Well, tomorrow's another day......maybe I'll figure out the meaning of my life tomorrow......or the next day, or never.....but I have to go to sleep now, so I can get up and go to work and put up with bullshit with a smile on my face.  


Sigh.