A quote by the Dalai Lama

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.


Nuff said! :)

I like sleep

Often upon waking in the morning, for a brief moment I have the sensation of complete peacefulness, like when you're under water and you can't ear anything but the sound of your own heartbeat.  Then suddenly I come gasping to the surface of real life... and it's time to get up, get ready for work, and carry on with my life no matter what's going on.  No matter that I don't feel like doing anything....that I would prefer to sink back down under the water to that peaceful place.  To not think, to not feel, to just be.


As I lay in my bed now, feeling sleepy, I'm hoping for a night in which I do not wake up countless times, look at the clock and wish it would turn back so I could just sleep and sleep and stay in that peaceful place.  I'm going to turn off my computer now and hope for the best.  Soon enough I will be gasping to the surface.

Comes The Dawn

This a poem I came across as a teenager, wrote it down, and tucked it away in a box of things to save. I recently came upon it again, and it has more meaning for me now than it did then.  It's almost like I went back in time and wrote it down because I knew I would need to read it later in life!!!  I don't know who the author is, but I thank them.

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And learn to build all your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have

A way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden, and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

Moving on..........

Why do I even give a shit?  I need to just move on.  How long does it take to "get over" someone?  And what does that even mean really?  How do you "get over" someone?  Especially someone you took vows to love and be with for the rest of your life.  What do vows mean anyway?  Nothing.  They are just a statement of what you WANT to be true for the rest of your life.  They have nothing to do with reality.  


It makes me SICK how you can move on so quickly.......like the love we had and the life we shared together meant NOTHING.  Is it really that easy to start dating again?  I know you said you're "not dating anyone" yet you ARE going on a date.....I know it's a double-date, but it's a date nonetheless.  It's just syntax.  And you could have said no.


 I guess you think I will be easily replaced.  Or that you can find someone better.  Good luck with that.  Not that I'm perfect, and I'm the first to admit that.........that's one of the main differences between us.  You would NEVER admit that you're not perfect....that you made mistakes, or that you had ANY blame in the ending of our marriage.


The reality is, YOU are the one that chose to walk out on our marriage.  I may have left the house, moved out......but at the same time, begged you to work on our marriage!  I wanted to try and make it work and best case scenario, get back together.  YOU are the one who said no.....that you didn't WANT to change, that you didn't feel you needed to change anything.....that you were the same as you'd always been.  WHATEVER.........that's really the way to make a relationship work, eh?  Take no responsibility for anything, be unyielding, unwilling to make even the smallest change in order to make the person you supposedly LOVE feel happy and loved.  That's all I ever really wanted you know......to feel truly loved 
and desired, and important to you.


So again I ask.....why should I even give a shit?  What's to miss?  Feeling unwanted and undesired?  Never being touched, cuddled, flirted with?  Feeling like the person I'm in love with only sees me as a companion.....instead of the love of your life.....or at least someone you're in love with? Or even feel desire for?  If you only felt companionship toward me, that would explain how you could so quickly go on a date.....test the waters.....try someone new.  I guess like they say, the grass always seems greener.  But I doubt it will be for you.  I don't think you're capable of loving anyone fully.  You're too busy loving yourself.  And that's really sad......it will be a lonely life for you babe.  Having friends to hang with is one thing.....having a partner to love and care for you and share the rest of your life with is quite another.


I'm done with this.  I can't be your friend anymore.  I know I've been acting friendly with you, and I thought I could handle that, but I can't.  I'm still in love with you, although I don't know why and I don't want to move back in with you.  I'm NOT your buddy.  You chose not to be with me and now you need to live with the consequences of your choice.  I need to move on and I can't do that and be your buddy at the same time.  You chose to have a life without me and that's what you will have now.  Congratulations. Good-bye.  I'm moving on.

Mind Numbing Bliss............

Let's explore the mind-numbing bliss of a couple of glasses of wine.  It doesn't take more than a couple of glasses, at least not for me......thank goodness!  Night's like tonight when I'm feeling so incredibly stressed that I want to crawl out of my skin and disappear, I sip on the golden nectar and I feel warm, relaxed, and  I stop turning the thing over and over in my mind so am able to concentrate on something else, think about something else, get through the night. 


Of course it wouldn't be a good thing to need this every night, and I don't.  But it's so very helpful on the nights that I do.  The sweet-tart taste of pear, oak, apricot, butter, sliding over my tongue and warming me all over.  What more can you ask?  I guess what you could ask for would to not be stressed and feel the need to unwind.......but it is what it is.....so that being said, I think I'll take my glass of Chardonnay downstairs and take a hot bubble bath while I sip the bliss and forget.

My Dog is Better Than My Husband

Why my dog is better than my husband:

He is always soooooo happy to see me, even if I'm only gone for a short time.
He doesn't care what I'm watching on television.
He never makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him.
He doesn't care about watching or talking about sports.
He doesn't think he's an expert on everything.
He is happy with any movie I want to watch, as long as we're together.
He has no problem showing affection.
He listens to me when I'm talking.
He doesn't care how I dress.
He doesn't have it in him to be dishonest or deceptive.
He likes whatever I give him to eat.
He doesn't drink all of the milk.
He doesn't care if I'm working out regularly or not.
He seems to be in tune with my emotions.

I love my doggy!

Shards of glass

The other morning I woke up and had the clearest picture of my life as shards of broken glass, a mirror of my life, lying in pieces on the floor, glinting in the sun.  Some of the pieces catch my eye, enticing me to look.


I pick up a shimmering shard and in it I see myself; younger, laughing and happy, playing with my young children.  I pick up another; me, nearly 10 years ago, sitting alone, staring into nothingness, looking empty and disappointed.  I pick up yet another; I'm even younger still, dancing at a club with my boyfriend from college, laughing, having fun, feeling incredibly sexy as he puts his hands on my hips, swaying with me and letting me know how much he loves the way I move. 


In the next piece I pick up I'm sitting, relaxing and having a glass of wine or two with a man I dated a few years back.  I see us talking, sitting on the couch, near the fireplace.  He gives me that look then gently kisses me on the mouth, he takes my glass of wine, sets it on the table, and pulls me to him.   He tells me he doesn't know what it is, but that there is just something really sexy about me.  I'm smiling.


Another shard and I'm sitting at the computer, looking at the hundreds of pictures of other naked women that my husband has been entertaining  himself with.  Tears roll down my face.  How can I ever compete with that?  I look sad, thinking about how he never touches me.


I pick up a final shard.  Its me looking at a phone bill realizing my husband has been communicating with another woman.  I see my face clearly, as I look up at myself, sadness and a feeling of emptiness radiate from the shard of glass as it slides out of my hand to the floor and breaks into a million little pieces.