I like sleep

Often upon waking in the morning, for a brief moment I have the sensation of complete peacefulness, like when you're under water and you can't ear anything but the sound of your own heartbeat.  Then suddenly I come gasping to the surface of real life... and it's time to get up, get ready for work, and carry on with my life no matter what's going on.  No matter that I don't feel like doing anything....that I would prefer to sink back down under the water to that peaceful place.  To not think, to not feel, to just be.


As I lay in my bed now, feeling sleepy, I'm hoping for a night in which I do not wake up countless times, look at the clock and wish it would turn back so I could just sleep and sleep and stay in that peaceful place.  I'm going to turn off my computer now and hope for the best.  Soon enough I will be gasping to the surface.

Comes The Dawn

This a poem I came across as a teenager, wrote it down, and tucked it away in a box of things to save. I recently came upon it again, and it has more meaning for me now than it did then.  It's almost like I went back in time and wrote it down because I knew I would need to read it later in life!!!  I don't know who the author is, but I thank them.

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And learn to build all your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have

A way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden, and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

Moving on..........

Why do I even give a shit?  I need to just move on.  How long does it take to "get over" someone?  And what does that even mean really?  How do you "get over" someone?  Especially someone you took vows to love and be with for the rest of your life.  What do vows mean anyway?  Nothing.  They are just a statement of what you WANT to be true for the rest of your life.  They have nothing to do with reality.  


It makes me SICK how you can move on so quickly.......like the love we had and the life we shared together meant NOTHING.  Is it really that easy to start dating again?  I know you said you're "not dating anyone" yet you ARE going on a date.....I know it's a double-date, but it's a date nonetheless.  It's just syntax.  And you could have said no.


 I guess you think I will be easily replaced.  Or that you can find someone better.  Good luck with that.  Not that I'm perfect, and I'm the first to admit that.........that's one of the main differences between us.  You would NEVER admit that you're not perfect....that you made mistakes, or that you had ANY blame in the ending of our marriage.


The reality is, YOU are the one that chose to walk out on our marriage.  I may have left the house, moved out......but at the same time, begged you to work on our marriage!  I wanted to try and make it work and best case scenario, get back together.  YOU are the one who said no.....that you didn't WANT to change, that you didn't feel you needed to change anything.....that you were the same as you'd always been.  WHATEVER.........that's really the way to make a relationship work, eh?  Take no responsibility for anything, be unyielding, unwilling to make even the smallest change in order to make the person you supposedly LOVE feel happy and loved.  That's all I ever really wanted you know......to feel truly loved 
and desired, and important to you.


So again I ask.....why should I even give a shit?  What's to miss?  Feeling unwanted and undesired?  Never being touched, cuddled, flirted with?  Feeling like the person I'm in love with only sees me as a companion.....instead of the love of your life.....or at least someone you're in love with? Or even feel desire for?  If you only felt companionship toward me, that would explain how you could so quickly go on a date.....test the waters.....try someone new.  I guess like they say, the grass always seems greener.  But I doubt it will be for you.  I don't think you're capable of loving anyone fully.  You're too busy loving yourself.  And that's really sad......it will be a lonely life for you babe.  Having friends to hang with is one thing.....having a partner to love and care for you and share the rest of your life with is quite another.


I'm done with this.  I can't be your friend anymore.  I know I've been acting friendly with you, and I thought I could handle that, but I can't.  I'm still in love with you, although I don't know why and I don't want to move back in with you.  I'm NOT your buddy.  You chose not to be with me and now you need to live with the consequences of your choice.  I need to move on and I can't do that and be your buddy at the same time.  You chose to have a life without me and that's what you will have now.  Congratulations. Good-bye.  I'm moving on.