Shards of glass

The other morning I woke up and had the clearest picture of my life as shards of broken glass, a mirror of my life, lying in pieces on the floor, glinting in the sun.  Some of the pieces catch my eye, enticing me to look.


I pick up a shimmering shard and in it I see myself; younger, laughing and happy, playing with my young children.  I pick up another; me, nearly 10 years ago, sitting alone, staring into nothingness, looking empty and disappointed.  I pick up yet another; I'm even younger still, dancing at a club with my boyfriend from college, laughing, having fun, feeling incredibly sexy as he puts his hands on my hips, swaying with me and letting me know how much he loves the way I move. 


In the next piece I pick up I'm sitting, relaxing and having a glass of wine or two with a man I dated a few years back.  I see us talking, sitting on the couch, near the fireplace.  He gives me that look then gently kisses me on the mouth, he takes my glass of wine, sets it on the table, and pulls me to him.   He tells me he doesn't know what it is, but that there is just something really sexy about me.  I'm smiling.


Another shard and I'm sitting at the computer, looking at the hundreds of pictures of other naked women that my husband has been entertaining  himself with.  Tears roll down my face.  How can I ever compete with that?  I look sad, thinking about how he never touches me.


I pick up a final shard.  Its me looking at a phone bill realizing my husband has been communicating with another woman.  I see my face clearly, as I look up at myself, sadness and a feeling of emptiness radiate from the shard of glass as it slides out of my hand to the floor and breaks into a million little pieces.

If I knew then what I know now!!!

So........I was on-line earlier today checking out some quotes.  There are so many great ones.  The quotes that resonated most with me today are about things it has taken me to age 50 to figure out.  I wish for my daughters that they can learn from my mistakes and realize this stuff NOW!!!!!!!  It will save them a lot of pain in the future!  Here are a few of the quotes:  "Don't settle for a relationship that won't let you be yourself!" - unknown,  "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - unknown.  Here's one more:  "Everything will be okay in the end.  If its not okay, its not the end."


I want to know.....why do so many women lose themselves in a relationship?  I'm guilty of it mostly in my current relationship.  I'm realizing now......a little late.......that our entire six or so years together have mostly been based on what HE likes and doesn't like, wants to do or doesn't want to do, movies he wants to watch or doesn't want to watch, etc.  It's like I woke up one day and said "What happened to ME?  Where did I go?  What about what I want to do?  What I want to watch?  What music I want to listen to, etc.  It's like I was Sleeping Beauty and had been asleep for years!!.  Well, I didn't receive a kiss from a prince to wake me up, but thank goodness I DID wake up!!!  It's almost scary to realize how out of touch with ME I could have gotten.  


Oh, gotta go for a bit........more later!